Drifting in Zero
by Yanagi-sen
Summary: songfic My take on what was going on in Quatre's mind as he built and piloted, Zero.


Drifting in Zero

Drifting in Zero

by Yanagi-sen

Gundam Wing songfic

Usual disclaimers apply.I do not own the G-boys, much to my dismay.If I did own them I wouldn't have had to sit in front of the TV hitting 'pause' every few seconds to write down the dialogue in the show.The song is by a group called Gypsy Red, friends of mine, so don't steal it either.One more thing, I spell Quatre's sister's name 'Irea' so as not to confuse her with 'Iria' from the Zeiram anime. (My fics, my choice. ^_~ )

Warnings: angst, violence, death (but not main characters, I don't believe in that), implied shounen ai, spoilers for Zero episodes

/ pilot's thoughts /

* pilot's other thoughts *(can we say hearing voices boys and girls?)

- Transmission -

_flashback_

**"Drifter" copyright 1999 by Strong Horse White**

AC 195

"Father?!!!"The satellite's explosion rocked the shuttle.

"Quatre!!"In desperation, Irea threw herself between her small brother and the wall.They hit hard and Irea gasped at the sudden pain.

"Father."

"Quatre.Father fought very hard.He wasn't running away at all.He put up a brave fight, don't you think so?Arrrrah!"

"Irea, try not to move, you'll only make it worse."

"You're a kind person Quatre, and Father was kind too.But what did Father do to deserve to be assassinated?"The pain was too much for her, and she passed out.His father had been killed before his eyes, his sister horribly injured.Betrayed by the colonies he'd fought so hard to protect.No friends, no Gundam, no hope.Stretched beyond all endurance, something had to give.Quatre snapped.

"People who are kind people are shedding tears, but nobody understands them, and the colony is satisfied right now.**You people are satisfied with that?!I will never forget this day."A strange fire started to gleam in his turquoise eyes."You people, I'll make sure that you don't either, you won't forget this day.Hahahahahahahaha……."**

**_Driftin' down the road,_**

**_I don't know where…_**

_ _

He worked late into the night, collapsed on a cot for a few hours of restless sleep, and then was up again early.He barely took time to eat or drink, only what was necessary to sustain his weary body.He worked feverishly, alone, a burning determination fueling his efforts.He had unlimited resources at his disposal, and unlimited cash to fund the project.At first he thought only to rebuild his beloved Sandrock.But then he'd found the advanced plans buried deep in Instructor H's files.He recognized the superior potential of the large beam cannon.It should be sufficient to prove his point.There were some oddities in the cockpit system, but Quatre dismissed them.He needed a superior Gundam, and he needed it now!

**_Is there anyone who cares,_**

**_anymore?_**

In some ways, Quatre missed the companionship and mechanical assistance of his Maquanac friends.But he was also glad they weren't there.Rashid especially would not approve of what he was doing.But that didn't matter now.The only thing that mattered to Quatre was his need to teach the colonies and OZ a lesson.Wing Zero was nearly finished.He would begin testing that advanced cockpit system tonight.If he understood the instructor's notes correctly, it should boost his fighting ability and reaction time.A small voice in the back of his mind spoke up.

/ What are you doing? /

* Shut up! *

/ But think of the people that could be hurt and even killed! /

* So what! *

/ Don't you even care? /

* Not anymore. *

**_Like a feather in the wind,_**

**_I go…_**

_ _

Zero was finished, and Quatre was ready to leave.It was a strange one, this Gundam.But it was powerful, and that was all he was concerned with.He started the preflight checks.He had watched a recording of the destruction of Deathscythe.The event, broadcast throughout the colonies, had hardened his resolve.He briefly wondered what had happened to Duo.Where were the other pilots?No matter.If he came across them, they would either stand with him, or become his enemies.He must eliminate all enemies.Zero was ready.Quatre powered up and left L-4.

**_Where I stop I'll never know,_**

**_never know._**

_ _

Resource satellite 07U1, currently occupied by OZ and perched on the edge of the L-4 cluster.His first target.OZ would use those resources to build more weapons, that couldn't be allowed.Zero alerted him to the Leos emerging from the satellite.

- This is unit 171 to approaching shuttle.Consider this a warning. -

* All right, we've been warned. *

- Change your course at once. -

* I don't think so. *

- If you come any closer we will fire. -

* For all the good it will do you. *

- We are not bluffing, this is a warning! -

* I'm not bluffing either. *

/ Are you really going to do this? /

* Watch me. *

The Leo's attack had no noticable effect.He rolled Zero with the impact and came around ready to fire.He didn't bother to respond to their hails.They were already dead, they just didn't realize it yet.Why speak to the dead?He watched as the beam from his cannon streaked across the stars, before it tore the station to shreds.

_ _

One more day until I reach

**_my home…_**

_ _

Zero showed him such odd things when he was fighting, memories of what had passed.

_Irea was taking him home.He hadn't known who she was at the time._

_Only that she was a doctor, stationed on one of the Winner Inc._

_Resource Satellites.She was very kind to him.Caring for him when he _

_had been brought in, injured and feverish.She had offered to pilot him _

_herself.It was only later that he realized that she was his sister and had _

_known he would need support when he confronted their father. _

And one more mountain I will climb

**_in the rain…_**

_The last time he had spoken with his father, the only words they had _

_exchanged were in anger.He did not approve of his son's choices, and _

_Quatre could not stand by and do nothing.He had wanted so much to _

_please his father, but he could never seem to manage that.No matter _

_how good his grades, how excellent his music, how hard he fought; it _

_was never enough.And so he had stormed out of the office, neither _

_giving, nothing resolved.The next time Quatre saw his father, the man _

_he respected and had worked so hard to please, Winner was murdered _

_right before his eyes. ___

**_And I will follow all the sparrows,_**

**_in the winter…_**

_Quatre could not forget watching as his father detached the satellite from _

_the colony.Determined that his work would not be used for violence, _

_Winner had chosen to sacrifice his life rather than to deviate from his _

_principles.Asking that Quatre, his son and heir, not pilot a mobile suit _

_again.Declaring with his last breath that he wasn't so attached to space _

_that he was willing to compromise himself. _

**_And I will find my way again,_**

**_in the wind._**

_ _

Quatre watched impassively as the base disintegrated, throwing debris out into space.There was no sound to accompany the blast of course.The only thing he could hear, was his own ragged breathing.Somewhere, deep inside, he wept for those who had died.But that voice was small and easily lost in the turmoil that was Quatre's mind."Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…" He whispered, closing his eyes.A single tear ran down his face.When his eyes opened, they gleamed with an unholy fire."Now then, Zero, where is my next target?"

"Calling colony 06E3.I am about to eliminate the colony.There's no sense fighting back.Leave the colony at once.I will repeat, leave the colony at once."

* Why bother?You know they won't. *

/But I have to give them the chance. /

* Why?They are the enemy! *

Zero swiftly eliminated most of the attacking mechs.Leos were quite simply no match for this Gundam."You're afraid of dying, aren't you guys?In that case, **you shouldn't be fighting at all!"He leveled the beam cannon on the colony; it burst like a nova against the ebon depths of space.**

* What are those, little boy? * 

/ Tears. /

"That's funny.It seems I have tears in my eyes.But I'm not one bit sad."

* So why are you crying? * 

/ All those soldiers…/

* Isn't this what you want? *

_/ I…I don't know… /_

"Zero…next target."

_ _

See the fires burning,

**_far away…_**

"Hmm.It's deserted in here.They've evacuated the colony.Wise decision."The building collapsed in a pile of rubble.His scanners showed a small group of mobile suits bearing down on his position."Leos?Why even bother?"He paused by a Ferris wheel, looking at it curiously."The colony doesn't need things like these at all."The Leos were almost in range_."What the colony really needs is," he aimed at the approaching Leos through the spokes of the ride, "…**a war!" **_

* Humph, Leos.Not exactly a challenge. *

Quatre maneuvered his way out of the colony.Those Leos wouldn't have come alone and it was too hard to fight inside.Zero alerted him to the presence of a group of mobile suits."Zero…identify.Hmm, more space Leos and one other.Identity unconfirmed?Zero… analyze.Gundanium?A new Gundam?Is it an enemy?"Only Zero's quick response enabled him to avoid the shot from the strange blue suit.

* Well, I guess that answers that question. *

**_Is there anyone who stays,_**

**_anymore?_**

- Quatre, this is Trowa.Can you hear me, Quatre? -

/ Trowa?Is Tro here to help me? /

* No.He came with the OZ Leo troops. *

Quatre's face hardened.

* He is an enemy. *

/ No!Tro is my friend! /

* Not anymore. *

/ But I love him! /

* That was in the past. *

"I can hear you, Trowa."His voice sounded broken, even to himself.He had to get out a warning before he was unable to care.He felt like he was just barely clinging to control."Don't come any closer, Trowa."

/ No, he is still approaching, why won't he listen? / __

/ Please, Tro.I can't hold myself back much longer. /

"**What did I just say?**Don't get any closer to me!"He couldn't stop himself from firing.When he could finally release the trigger, Trowa's cockpit was bared to the darkness of space.

- Hey, Quatre.What's going on here? -

"Trowa.Outer space has gone crazy.I'm going to use this Gundam to destroy it all."

* Yes, destroy everything. *

"I have no choice but to destroy all the weapons that have accumulated out here."

* Every last one.Including you and me. *

"The colonies are becoming armed right?"

* Right. *

"That's why the colonies must be destroyed!"

- What's the matter?Quatre!This isn't like the Quatre I know. -

* What does he know?Shoot him! *

/ No.He'll listen. /

* He won't.You are going to have to kill him. *

/ No! I won't kill Trowa! /

"Tell the others for me.Tell them to stay way from me.Otherwise, I'll end up killing them."Zero beeped, another suit was approaching at high velocity.**"I'm telling you not to get any closer!"Quatre turned and blasted the new arrival, which somehow blocked the blast.**

* Another new Gundam?My, my, someone's been busy. *

- Is that all you've got to say? -

* Oh goody, the 'perfect soldier' is here too. *

- If everything has gone crazy, I'll believe in myself and keep fighting.Quatre, omae 

o korosu. -

* That's our Heero.Okay, eliminate the enemy! *

/ But…he's not an enemy…/

"Heero, why are we fighting each other?"

* Because, he is an enemy. *

/ No!I just have to make him understand. /

"The colonies have teamed up with OZ.They're my enemies now."His voice got hopeful, maybe he could convince them."Trowa, Heero, the colonies are your enemies now too.Outer space has lost all reason,"

* Like you? *

/ Shut up! /

"…that's why I'm gonna destroy everything.That's natural, isn't it?"

* Of course it is. *

/ But…/

**_Like the sparrow who has lost,_**

**_his wing…_**

_ _

Heero wouldn't give up.The red suit kept attacking, forcing Quatre to retaliate with Zero./ Please, Heero.I don't want to kill you! /

"You'll die Heero.I don't want to defeat people who are my allies.Please, Heero.Get away from here.Hey!**Are you listening to me?!"**

* Shoot him. *

- Quatre.I'm not leaving.There's a colony that needs to be defended. -

* Nooooo.It needs to be destroyed! *

Zero's blast forced Heero's suit back against the colony and then through the wall."I'd ask you to get out of your mobile suit, but you won't will you?In that case, I'm just gonna have to kill you."

* Finally. *

/ But is this necessary? /

* Yes. *

- Then get it over with.I have no intention of chatting with an enemy. -

* **I'm the enemy? ***

"That's it then.Goodbye, Heero."Quatre's face was devoid of any emotion as he pulled the trigger_.The powerful beam cannon fired.Suddenly, Trowa interposed his damaged suit between Heero's and the blast._

**_Like a girl who never sings,_**

**_never sings._**

/ Trowa?! /

- Quatre.Why don't you realize what a big mistake you're making? -

/ I…I know…but I can't stop…/

"Trowa?"

- This battle is unnecessary. -

Quatre watched as Heero came up behind Trowa and took his gun.He didn't try to evade the shot, just let the Japanese pilot shoot the beam cannon from his hand.Relief flooded him./ Thank you, Heero. /

- Trowa, the Vayaete is about to explode.Get out now! -

- You're right.This is the end of the line for me. -

/ Tro, where are you going? /

"Trowa?"Quatre was thrown against his harness as Heero's suit grabbed Zero."No, Heero.Save Trowa!"He tried to get free, but the additional weight sent him spinning into the colony."TROWA!"He couldn't get away.At first, Trowa's words went unnoticed as he struggled with Heero, and himself.Then the calm voice penetrated the confusion in his mind.

- …we were completely trained to be soldiers before we even realized it.When you put everything into a battle, you start to think that you can change the times all by yourself, don't you?-

/ Well…/

* Of course you can. *

- But Quatre, you're not the only one who feels that way. -

/ I'm not? /

- We all do.But the kinder you are, the bigger the toll it takes on you. -

/ Is that what has happened to me? /

- Turn back to the nice guy I once knew.I just hope something triggers your mind and calms you down. -

One more day until I reach 

**_my home…_**

_ _

_"Hurry up, Quatre!"_

_"Duo, those suits will try to shoot us down when we start to lift off."_

_"Quatre, hurry up!"_

_"Don't worry about me.I'll back you two up until you lift off."_

_"Have you lost your mind or something?!We all have to make it up to _

_space!"_

_"I know.That's why I have to back you up.To make sure at least you _

_two make it up to space."_

_"I'm grateful.The only way I can show my appreciation is to make it _

_into space safely."Wufei started the thrusters on his transport._

_"Quatre!!!"_

_"Uhhh!Please, I can't take this much longer."_

And one more mountain I will climb

**_in the rain… _**

_"And now the last choice open to me is to self-detonate."Alarms and _

_flashing lights flooded the cockpit.Then to Quatre's amazement, the _

_cockpit opened."Uhh?What's this?Are you, are you telling me to _

_get off?Thank you, Sandrock!"As the Gundam moved its shield to _

_protect its pilot, Quatre lowered himself to the ground."I thank you, _

_my dear, Sandrock."The pain was catching up with him.He'd been _

_hurt when Sandrock was barraged, though he couldn't have let Duo _

_know or he never would have left.Not wanting to witness the _

_destruction of his partner, Quatre headed for a waiting shuttle.Even _

_without a Gundam, he had to make it to outer space.Maybe then he _

_could build a new one.As the shuttle left the ground, Sandrock _

_disappeared in a ball of flame. _

**_And I will follow all the sparrows,_**

**_in the winter… _**

_Quatre could see the flames from the other two transports that had taken _

_off before him.He knew that somewhere, Heero and Trowa were _

_leaving as well.They had actually managed to do it.Duo and himself _

_had fought long enough for the others to catch on.No matter what _

_happened to him, the others would be able to continue the fight. _

**_And I will find my way again,_**

**_in the wind._**

_ _

"Trowa!"His view of space was cut off as Heero pinned Zero against the wall and the bay doors closed."Heero!Let me go!Trowa's gonna die!"

- Yeah, and you're the guy who killed him. -

/ Allah, what have I done? /

* It doesn't matter. *

"Heero."Quatre caught the red suit's attack with Zero's shield.

- You've gone crazy, omae o korosu. -

"Well hurry up and kill me, then you can go rescue Trowa."

- Pretty half-hearted way to go around fighting.I guess Trowa's death was just a waste. -

* Well, some sacrifices have to be made. *

/ NO!No more! /

* But your mission… *

/ **Wasn't supposed to be like this! /**

Sitting in the cockpit of Zero, Quatre listened as the concussion of Vayaete's explosion rang though the colony./ What have I done? /Heero's beam sword was just barely parried by Quatre.The red Gundam's arm disintegrated under the force of the more powerful Zero.Heero's suit was thrown back, crashing into the wall.He struggled to rise and failed.

- Quatre…omae..o..korosu…ahhh… -

"Heero?Heero!"

**_Driftin' down the road,_**

**_that's so less traveled…_**

_ _

Quatre leapt from Zero and hastened to the red Gundam.He hit the hatch release and waited impatiently for the cockpit to open.He'd just lost Trowa; he wasn't going to lose the Japanese boy too.To his relief, Heero didn't seem to be badly injured, only a minor head wound.Quatre cared for him as best he could in the ruined shell of the colony.

**_Get's so lonely I don't know,_**

**_where to go…_**

Quatre fought with his guilt at what he'd done.Not just for Trowa's death, though the quiet boy's words eased the pain somewhat.It was the other things he'd done.He had never before been able to kill so easily, without remorse, without caring.Before, he had always given his opponents the option of surrender.What had he become?Only Heero's presence those first few days, while with the scientists, kept Quatre from picking up his knife and following Trowa and his father.Especially when the overly critical scientists started talking about Quatre as if he wasn't even standing next to them, evaluating his faults as a soldier.Heero's silent support was all that kept Quatre from breaking down right then and there.He was so uncertain who were his allies and who were his enemies, especially when the scientists sold them out to Trant.

At least he wasn't alone.Zero made Heero lose it a little too.Luckily the Arab was able to stop him before he was able to do much damage.But it took all of his concentration and empathy to do so.Space wasn't the haven he had hoped it would be.The Earth had been much kinder to them, they really had no option but to return there_.Maybe there he could pick up the shattered pieces of his life._

Like the sparrow who

**_will try, again…_**

Quatre was relieved when they reached the Sank Kingdom.He had a purpose again, defending Relena's fragile and frankly naïve ideals.But that was what he had been fighting for this whole time, the freedom to have ideals, no matter how foolish they may seem.After Heero left for Luxembourg, Quatre received word from Sally Po.He made the long trek, alone across the desert, to retrieve a lost part of his soul.His most fantastic dream had come true, his Sandrock had returned from the dead.He returned as quickly as he could, but the Sank Kingdom was not so lucky.Quatre respected Relena's sacrifice.He knew she wasn't as air-headed as everyone thought, she knew what might await her at Romafeller.He honored her decision, just as he honored the sacrifice of his father and Trowa.

**_I will learn to fly away,_**

**_fly away._**

_ _

Quatre watched sadly as the Sank Kingdom fell, his mind wandering.He had finally accepted what he had done.He knew it wasn't entirely Wing Zero's fault_.The Gundam's system couldn't change what was in the pilot's mind; only amplify the desires and feelings it found there__.Those had been **his wishes, which Zero had twisted into violence.Quatre could accept his actions, but he couldn't forgive himself for them, not just yet.**_

"Quatre, will you please come with me?"Noin seemed resigned, watching Relena leave with Dorothy.

"Where to?"

"Outer space."

One more day until I reach 

**_my home…_**

_ _

He always felt better in space.He'd been born here, it was his home.No matter how beautiful he found the Earth, his soul belonged to space.He walked across the lobby of Winner, Inc. followed by several of his executives.As he spoke with the men, he paused; someone was sitting, off to one side, facing the window.Quatre thought he recognized that particular shade of chestnut hair.

"Nice digs."The familiar voice and face of Duo Maxwell warmed Quatre's heart."Yo, Quatre.How ya been?"

"Duo!"Impulsively Quatre hugged the American pilot.He quickly finished the day's business and invited Duo up to his suite.

"What an impressive building.Your family's really somethin'.And this is all yours now, right?"

"No, not yet.My sisters are managing all the assets of the corporation right now.As far as anyone else knows, I'm missing."

"Because you're a Gundam pilot?Quatre, where were ya anyway?"

"On the Earth.I went with Heero to figure out what we should be doing.That's the reason I went."/And to try to deal with my guilt. /Duo pushed away from the window.

"So did ya come up with anything?"

"I think we gotta fight.That's why I came looking for you guys.There are lots of kind people on Earth, Duo.And the same is true for the colonies.I want to help build a world where everyone can live in peace.I want to protect the pacifism upheld by the Sank Kingdom."

"Total pacifism?"His voice was plainly skeptical."Do you really think such a world is possible?"

"Duo?"

The American walked over to the wall and leaned against it.He seemed tired, as if the last few months were weighing heavily upon him."I've been fighting for the colonies all this time.They should leave the fighting to me.I should be the only one who has to suffer as much as I did.But now the colonies have decided to start up a war.Which means that a lot more people will end up dying."His voice was bitter, anger and resignation lurking behind the violet eyes.

And one more mountain I will climb

**_in the rain…_**

_ _

"Maybe I've lost faith in what we're fighting for, in the future that we dreamed about.Maybe in the end, peace is just an impossible dream."Defeat etched his beautiful, heart-shaped face.

When Quatre answered, his voice was very quiet, heavy with guilt and sadness."I made a grave mistake once."He picked up his rapidly cooling tea, staring into the cup as if to read their fortunes in the leaves."I don't expect to ever be forgiven.But I'll risk everything to show my remorse.And I'll do that by fostering my hope for peace.Because once a dream is lost, then really everything is lost."

"You might be right about that."Duo's voice recovered a bit of its typical jovial nature."Although, a dismal future may be more suitable for Shinigami."

"Duo?"

The braided pilot pushed himself away from the wall with a yawn."Well, Quatre, this place is just a little too high class for me."He headed for the door."I'll see ya around, Q-kun."He suddenly stopped and then turned back with a sigh.His expression was again somber."If you're really gonna keep looking for the Gundam pilots I guess you'll see 'what's-his-name'."

"Duo, do you mean?"Quatre leapt to his feet.

And I will follow all the sparrows

**_in the winter…_**

_ _

Trowa was alive!He had hardly dared to hope, but he was alive!He hadn't killed him after all!Duo told him the acrobat suffered from amnesia, but at least he was alive.He had to go see him.He trusted Duo, but he had to see for himself.In the private shuttle, Quatre had a lot of time to think, to come to terms with everything that had happened.He felt like he was finally coming full circle.At last he allowed himself to mourn.He'd never cried for his father or for all the soldiers he had killed while in Zero.Unashamed, he let the tears fall. 

The shuttle docked in due time.Quatre grabbed his bags and walked out in a daze.He quickly checked into the hotel in which Irea had made the reservation for him.He asked the desk clerk where the circus was camped.Gathering his courage, Quatre headed for the circus.

And I will find my way again…

_ _

"He's here?"He asked one of the performers where the animals were kept.Trowa would be there.Rounding the 'Big Top', Quatre saw the cages.A lion roared.Quatre looked over and saw a slender figure kneeling by the cage, speaking with the animal.The boy had long bangs and was still wearing that black turtleneck of his.It had to be…"TROWA?"The boy turned and emerald eyes met blue.Tears started to well in Quatre's turquoise eyes."Trowa, it's really you."

**_And I will find my way again._******

-sin sin, tis done-

Poor Quatre.It really sucks to be him, doesn't it?


End file.
